Kabul Chia Growing Competition

I work in a cave. Usually, I call it a dungeon--no windows, concrete walls, stale air, too many bodies, underground, dirty. The condensation from the air conditioning unit drains inside the workspace and we daily have to carry out buckets of our condensed exhalations. It is a very unhealthy work environment, and several people spend their entire tours sick. (Not me, thanks to the great supply of Airborne and chewable vitamins sent by my caring friends and family!)

Therefore, when one of the more energetic civilians on our team suggested that we all order CHIA pets and grow them competitively, I thought that the resulting greening of our workspace would be worth the indignity of watering one of the more outre examples of American kitsch. Naturally, I got the CHIA professor, and what follows is an open letter I recently sent to my office mates:

Colleagues,

People often say that visiting parts of Aghanistan is like stepping back in time to a prehistoric era, sort of like the 1970s in America, when pet rocks roamed the earth and the reclusive CHIA professor could still be found in his natural habitat. Truly, I believe that we should all be lauded for our part in recovering this lost, simpler time when water was foul and air was clean and people only bathed when their roof caved in during a deluge or their ship sank in warm, coastal waters. The world of the CHIA was characterized by a symbiotic connection between nature and civilization, a connection we are well on our way to realizing within the happy, harmonious home of our workspace.

Fellow workers, I salute you, and I throw down the gauntlet of smack.
Where has your CHIA taken you today?

V/r,

"Dr. Chia"

***This message is for official use only and the opinions expressed herein should not be taken as the authoritative word of the US government in regards to the issues addressed. That perquisite is retained by Cap'n Crunch, and it is zealously guarded by his garden gnome acolytes. Beware the gnomes. Any quotation or further dissemination of this communication must be accompanied by this disclaimer.***